


Bartering Simplified

by Daiya_Darko



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Star Trek: Into Darkness Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-13 15:18:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daiya_Darko/pseuds/Daiya_Darko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a lot that goes on in Pavel's head, but no one understands how much or to what extent, except maybe Hikaru.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bartering Simplified

Sweat keeps getting in Pavel's eyes even though he's wearing goggles. The captain had told him to get the warp core back up and running even though Pavel had just explained why that wasn't feasible at the moment.

"You're just a kid and what do you even know about engineering?" Kirk had asked bluntly in front of everyone. Pavel responded in the affirmative, but now he wishes he hadn't.

Then Hikaru's voice is asking him if he remembered to disengage the dampeners and Pavel laughs.

The warp core explodes, vaporizing everything.

* * *

  
Pavel wakes with a start, gasping for breath while his heart threatens to beat out of his chest. He can't get enough air and it feels like his heart might actually be failing him. Shakily, Pavel climbs out of bed and contacts sickbay. He prays that he doesn't die before he can see Hikaru again. Doctor 

McCoy looks annoyed to be up in the middle of the night and it's strange seeing the captain in nothing but sweats. He looks pensive, almost as if wanting to ask a question but trying to figure out the answer himself. "Do you have panic attacks often, kid?"

Pavel shakes his head in response and Kirk pipes up, "Use your words, ensign."

"No sir, and I'm sorry about this. I really thought I was dying." They dismiss him, but Pavel lingers long enough to hear the doctor hiss, "He shouldn't be on this ship! Anyone can fake a psych eval; he's clearly still suffering trauma!"

"You think I don't know that, Bones?" Kirk snaps. "It's my fault he's like this! I put too much pressure on him. He's too young to handle something like that."

Pavel tries not to cry; he doesn't want to prove them right. When he gets back to his room, there's a message on his comm: I hear you coded. You ok?

He wonders how Hikaru knows, then remembers Hikaru is talking that girl in medical who works delta shift. Pavel curses the psyche, traumatic experiences, and chatty nurses before he tries to go back to sleep.

Pavel closes his eyes and sees the empty spot on the transporter pad where Spock's mother was supposed to appear. He cries until it's time to get ready for work.

* * *

 

He avoids the looks of Kirk and Hikaru when his voice wavers and prays that nothing stressful happens today. He attempts to complete his shift with as much normalcy as possible and receives strange looks for it. Pavel begins to sweat; why is everyone staring at him?

"Did you rush to get dressed this morning, Chekov?" Kirk asks, and Pavel feels his hands begin to shake.

"I am not sure of what you are asking, captain," Pavel responds, forcing his heart to be still.

"Your shirt is on inside out and backwards," Jim explains, and Pavel knows he can hear muffled laughter. Shakily, Pavel fixes his shirt, fighting back tears as his head spins, chest growing tighter by the second. He's distantly aware that Hikaru is trying to talk to him, but Pavel can't formulate a response.

Then a heavy, but gentle hand lands on his shoulder and Dr. McCoy is leading him away, speaking in hushed tones that Pavel can't understand. They arrive at sickbay, but instead of sitting Pavel on a biobed, McCoy leads him to his office and makes Pavel sit in a big, cushioned, chair in front of his desk.

"Do you know where you are, Pavel?"

"Yes sir."

"Do you know what happened?"

"I was fixing my shirt and then you were there."

"You were having another panic attack. You stopped breathing and passed out. Lieutenant Sulu woke you up and kept you awake until I got there." McCoy pauses, then asks, "What the hell triggered you?"

Pavel wrings his hands as he looks around the room for an answer that'll satisfy the doctor and get everyone off his back for a while. Finding none, he says quietly, "I do not know, sir."

"Does this have anything to do with last night?"

"No sir. I was not sleeping. I was just...embarrassed."

McCoy seems to deflate as the look of recognition falls across his face. "Why were you embarrassed?"

"Because the captain pointed out that I had my shirt on wrong." Pavel hates himself, hates how silly and immature he sounds. He overreacted like a child and everyone saw - including Hikaru.

"Mild embarrassment shouldn't result in full blown severe panic attacks, ensign."

"I know, sir." Pavel barely squeaks the last word out. He's overcome with intense shame and he knows that if he looks up, he'll see the judging glare of Dr. McCoy. He's released after being given a small pill and is ordered to take the rest of the day off. Pavel takes the time to reconcile with his brain what's been going on. After the Nero incident, he felt a constant looming threat as the gravity of his career choice finally weighed down on him. He managed to get by without too many nights of lost sleep, and redirected his focus on other things such as his work. But it was the attacks on San Francisco, it was Khan, it was the utter feeling of a lack of control for the situation at hand. No one was safe as long as they were in uniform.

When Kirk promoted him, Pavel should have been ecstatic; instead, he was worried that he would fail and cause everyone's death. Having to make calls he was not trained for and run diagnostics on equipment he had only a rudimentary understanding of was beyond him. Problem solving and troubleshooting the ship made him sweat profusely. Having to explain to Kirk that he was at fault made him vomit from stress.

He had never been more relieved in his life than when Scotty returned.

Pavel doesn't sleep well, waking up every couple of minutes in fear of another nightmare or panic attack. When he does stay asleep, his mind plagues him with memories and scenarios he can't handle. Stressed, he buries himself in his work and offers his free time to Scotty, who is more than grateful to have someone proofreading his articles and journals before submitting them. Pavel forgets to eat as much, and it shows. Kirk says nothing, but Hikaru does.

He waits until they're both alone in the turbolift to hit the brakes and ask, "Why aren't you eating?"

Pavel is amazed; he didn't think Hikaru looked at him enough to recognize the signs of weight loss on him. "I have been busy," Pavel answers simply, releasing the brakes. He's not about to talk about this here, not now. He's acutely aware that Hikaru won't stop staring at him, not even when they exit the lift. Hikaru just follows Pavel to his quarters and Pavel lets him enter. He's not sure why he's letting Hikaru invade his privacy, but Pavel likes that someone is worried for him.

This almost reminds him of how after the Nero incident, Hikaru would check in on him, possibly concerned since Pavel didn't exactly have family to go home to like Hikaru. Then, Hikaru invited Pavel out with the others for required crew bonding, but Pavel declined, already feeling oddly out of place for his age difference. But that was before Pavel began to fall for Hikaru and the calm, cool demeanor that prevailed throughout all trials. Hikaru holds his head high and does what's asked of him, but he's not incapable of making an executive decision if he must. And he always reassures Pavel that he's doing a great job. "You're smarter than mostly everyone, you're young, but you're not naive. You're more than capable of handling anything Kirk can throw at you," he had said.

Now, Hikaru asks, "Will you come hang out with us for shoreleave?" Pavel wants to say "no," but there's a slight desperation in Hikaru's eyes that makes him say "yes." It's worth it to see how Hikaru lights up with relief and hope.

"Only if you see Dr. McCoy about handling your anxiety though. I worry about you, and I won't always be around if you have an attack."

Pavel flushes red and grits his teeth. "Why does it matter to you?"

Hikaru almost looks offended and Pavel instantly regrets his attitude. "When I was eleven, I watched Klingons attack my friends and neighbors. They destroyed my school. It felt like the end of the world, and then a funny thing happened: life moved on. The only problem was that my mind hadn't. I couldn't sleep properly, fireworks terrified me, and I rarely left the house. Then my father showed me kendo and explained how it was a proud tradition in our family. I asked him to teach me, but he said I would have to leave the house to get what I want.

"I learned to work past my anxiety and I'll let you in on a little secret: I was terrified sitting in the captains chair. I was terrified of being in Klingon space. But I knew it was necessary if I wanted to get my job done." Hikaru's voice softens as he reaches out to pat Pavel on the shoulder. "You're at a very important time of your life and I don't want you to waste it avoiding your problems and letting yourself go."

Pavel nods his understanding as the weight of Hikaru's words settle in. He then realizes that Hikaru never reveals his personal history unless it's for official records. If he wants to even maintain a friendship with Hikaru, he'll have to go see McCoy. 

* * *

 

When they're given a week of leave, and Pavel spends it trying all sorts of anti-anxiety relaxation techniques to utilize when he has to report for duty again. He had finally swallowed his pride and gone to Doctor McCoy for help. Now, Pavel has spent four days locked in his apartment meditating and writing out his thoughts. He even called his father to speak with a familiar face that hadn't seen the same horrors.

On the fifth day of leave, Pavel dresses in his civvies - a striped v-neck and skinny jeans - and hardly recognizes himself. Starfleet made him toned with muscles on top of what he already had from growing up competing in gymnastics. He had stopped shaving since before leave and finally trimmed his beard into a neat goatee that he knew he'd shave before reporting. Hairiness is a trait of his father and one Pavel wasn't terribly fond of. His hair is usually wild, but now it just looks like his hair is staging a coup. Too tired to attempt to tame it, Pavel pulls on a knit beanie. With that, he remembers his deep breathing exercises as he heads out.

The bar chosen is a favorite of Starfleet officers who don't want to deal with civilians or cadets. With its low-lighting and thick wooden furniture, Pavel struggles to see the appeal and find Hikaru. Pavel sits at the bar and moves to comm Hikaru when a low, familiar voice comes from behind, "Can I get you a drink, stranger?" Looking up, Pavel is surprised to see Kirk grinning at him with the same smile he uses on just about anyone else.

And he clearly doesn't recognize Pavel. Of course, Pavel has changed his appearance from Starfleet regulation, but that shouldn't be so drastic. Pavel isn't sure if he's relieved, flattered, or offended, so he turns down Jim's attempts to flirt. Much to Pavel's chagrin, more people approach him, and he grows tired quickly. These are all highly trained officers and none of them know how to pick up people at the bar. If one more of his fellow crewmates attempts to buy him a drink, Pavel is sure he's going to join the priesthood.

And then Hikaru walks up, dressed simply in torn jeans and an old leather jacket. He smells of a rich cologne, and Pavel wishes he had worn some himself. He lets Hikaru buy him a drink and agrees to wait for them while Hikaru finds the others. Pavel knows exactly where they are, but Hikaru looks really cute when lost and/or focused. The drinks arrive, but since Hikaru hasn't made his way back to the bar, Pavel sighs and brings the drinks to their booth in the back.

Hikaru looks up in surprise, then turns back to where Jim and Gaila sit and says, "I can't believe you didn't recognize him!" Pavel blushes, sitting down and counting the number of drinks on the table to ground himself. Hikaru slides into the booth, letting their legs and arms touch, and magically, the scary tightness in Pavel's chest is replaced by a warmer, firmer one. Pavel tries to hide his smile, but he thinks it's cute how unnecessarily protective Hikaru is being. Then again, his behavior is justified after seeing Pavel have panic attacks and slowly fall apart.

Pavel leans into Hikaru gently, and nearly jumps when Hikaru rests a gentle hand on his knee. All at once, everything around him seems to fade away. All he is aware of is how nice this feels to be protected, safe, and wanted. Pavel takes a deep breath and holds it. Hikaru gives him a quick, worried look until Pavel exhales and smiles.

He's going to be okay, even if he doesn't always feel like it.


End file.
